Melancholy Baby

I know I haven’t posted anything in a while.  I’ve been having some personal issues that I just haven’t been able to put into words.  Most nights, I’ve gotten home from work and completely vegged out, not even thinking to pick up the laptop and post.

Lately, I’ve been feeling as if I’m incomplete.  Long ago and what seems like far away, when I had my heart attack, I resigned myself to the fact that Bob and I would likely probably never have children of our own.  And I was ok with that.  And he was ok with that.  It was sad for me – I’d always pictured myself as a mother.  And don’t get me wrong, I love and adore my step-daughters and step-grandchildren, and just love my nieces and nephews to death.  But there was still that, “If only I could have my own” that nagged at the back of my brain.

Well, lately, since the weight has come off, that little nag at the back of my brain has worked its way to the front.  It’s there like a speed bump I can’t get over….like a constant tiny mosquito bite to my heart.  Now that my body could physically carry a child, it seems as if we have lost our opportunity for it.  And let’s face it, a child right now, although loved and spoiled, would be, for the most part, inconvenient.

Bob is nearly 54.  I’m nearly 38.  At this point in our lives, a child would mean drastric changes that we aren’t willing to accept in our lives.  We don’t want to be at retirement and going to our child’s highschool graduation or worry about paying for weddings or college.  Now that my body and heart are ready for a baby, the mind and the husband just aren’t.  Bob is pretty adament about NOT having children at this stage.  And I totally respect that.  I totally understand.

But it doesn’t make me any less sad about it.

And so, for the past few weeks, I’ve felt as if this big piece of my life has been missing.  And I’m mourning that piece all over again, as I did seven years ago.  And it stings.  And I know eventually I’ll come to terms with it, and move on.  But for now, I’m doing a lot of wallowing in self-pity.

I think a lot of what is contributing is that it seems just about everyone I know and care about now is either pregnant, has just had a baby, or is trying to have a baby.  And it makes that sting just a little bit worse.

Don’t get me wrong- I’m happy for those babies that are coming to be.  And I love and worship those babies and their parents.  My best friend just had a beautiful little girl who already has her daddy and her mother and her brothers wrapped around her beautiful little finger.  My niece is due any day with my first great nephew (on my side of the family – I have a bazillion on Bob’s side).  My cousin had a gorgeous little boy last month.  My cousin on Bob’s side is also due any day with a little boy, and another cousin is due next month with one.  It seems as if there are babies hitting me from every possible angle, and the sting is great right now.

So, if I’ve been quiet here, that’s why.  We leave on vacation Friday after work.  Maybe a week in Virginia will help ease the sting a bit.

But for now, I’ll be your meloncholy baby.


2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. bluzdude
    Aug 18, 2010 @ 17:22:39

    I think one should be able to rent kids to take out and play with. And I bet more often than not, you’ll be glad for your freedom, independence, and avoidance of diapers and baby-talk.

    Or maybe that’s just me…


  2. goldeygrad97
    Aug 18, 2010 @ 19:56:06

    I think its more because I always thought I was going to be a Mom. I wanted kids. Unfortunately, it’s not in the cards for me. But I can borrow and rent, so I’ll have that to look forward to.


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